Not tossing batting practice today, instead we’re moving the chains in a special college football themed post live from the land of plaid fedoras and Forest Gump….Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

One of my goals in moving to the South has been to make sure I take the opportunity to experience as many things I possibly can that I otherwise wouldn’t do back home. That’s how I wound up at the final round of the Masters in April, and it’s what brought me to the Mecca of College Football in the south this weekend, the home of the Crimson Tide.

I was an Alabama fan as a kid, the first season I remember watching college football was the last time they won the title and I rooted for that team all year. I was thrilled when Jay Barker got drafted by the Pats, until it was determined he truly did suck. Having lived in Georgia for almost a year I’ve grown to be rather anti-Bulldog. The fans here are fanatical but they hold a higher opinion of themselves and their program than they should since they haven’t won much. As a result I enjoy going the other way and rooting for Alabama, besides Nick Saban is a friend of Football Jesus, and any friend of Bill Belichick is a friend of mine.
So today I’m on a mission to scout future Patriots looking for the next Randall Gay or Jarvis Green.

One of my friends that I play ball with down here is an Alabama alum, one of the original “Never Graduate” types, who majored in football for seven years before being asked to leave with a degree. Lots of people go to college for seven years, but in Alabama they aren’t called doctors or lawyers.
When the opportunity arose for us to go to Saturday’s game we figured we’d be stupid not too.
As far as opposing backgrounds go it doesn’t get much more different than my Redneck Sherpa and me.
He grew up in a small town in rural Alabama, indoctrinated in Crimson upon birth, with an affinity Nascar and all things that encompass southern living.
I of course am none of that. But regardless it makes for a good time when we get together.

I am greeted by Joe Willie at about 10 in the morning clad in a red number 12 Tide jersey and a Bear Bryant Fedora, for someone working on no sleep he is remarkably fired up.
The number 12 is sacred in Alabama apparently, they are the 12 time national champions, and it’s generally the quarterback’s number including Bama legend, Joe Willie Namath.

We departed Atlanta shortly thereafter figuring on a three hour trip, a scant 32 minutes later after a beer run, I’ve cracked open my first adult beverage of the day. This is going to be one interesting day.
Shortly after 11 we’ve crossed into Alabama “Feel your IQ drop 50 points?” I am asked. Instead, I went the other way and immediately felt smarter than I had an eighth of a mile ago.

Twenty minutes later we drive by Talladega Motor Speedway, and while I’m not that impressed it made for 10 minutes of Ricky Bobby jokes. Joe Willie is paying homage to the Nascar cathedral and all its aura that to me is just a damned field with a massive amount of portajohns that seems a little out of place.

On the other side of Birmingham we make a brief stop in a place called Hueytown, it’s apparently home to the Alabama Gang, which I’m thinking is the southern version of the bloods or crips, but in fact it was a Nascar Pit Crew. (I don’t really have a joke here, I think the fact a bunch of glorified Speedee Mechanics are memorialized on a plaque as you enter the town sort of speaks for itself)

Thirty miles from Tuscaloosa and Joe Willie has been taunting folks with South Carolina license plates, this is not as funny as it was two and a half hours ago.
However, an SUV drives by with personalized Alabama plates, that says CYAJPW. A slap in the face to the quarterback of the previous three years John Parker Wilson.
Only in this state will people taunt college kids for their perceived shortcomings. Apparently bringing the program back to prominence and an SEC title game and a Sugar Bowl was not enough for John Parker Wilson to not be.
These people have leaped past the threshold of passionate and gone right into outright overzealous fanaticism.
I’d hate to see what they think of the current signal caller, who looks a tad bit overwhelmed at times to put it mildly.



We get to campus, and of course the first thing I go to see is the softball field. (leave your petty cheap shots in the comments)

Like most colleges if you donate enough money they’ll name a building after you, but if you’re the defensive coordinator of a national championship team, you get an entire main road on campus named in your honor.

I’ve been here 10 minutes an already got into an argument over what’s a better accomplishment, a national championship or a super bowl.

The campus itself looks exactly like Harvard if you put it in a southern town with enough space to continuously expand until they reach the Mississippi border. Lots of red brick buildings everywhere.

We get to a quiet bar to watch some of the Florida and USC games. I order my beer and get the evil eye from the bartender like I’m Reggie Hammond in the redneck bar in 48 hours. This is not the friendly atmosphere of Cheers.

It’s rather cold today about 48 degrees with a very stiff wind, but while I’m a little chilly in shorts and a sweatshirt most of the fans are dressed like for a January (or maybe even October from what I saw on tv today) game in Foxboro.

It’s game time so we head to the stadium, it’s an absolute Monument to the game. A short walk down Bear Bryant Ave and we’re into the stadium right on the field. Looking up and seeing the entire stadium from field level is a little overwhelming. I’ve never seen that many people in my life in one place, and it’s pretty damn cool.



The first Forest Gump joke is made just before kickoff, “and after five years of football I got myself a college degree.”

The Tide runs back an interception for a touchdown before I’ve even got to my seats 50 rows from the field on the 20 yard line. (If you’re going to do a once in a lifetime game, spend the extra money for a good ticket, it’s way worth it).

After Alabama QB Greg McElroy does his best Tony Easy impression the natives are getting restless about the Tide’s listless passing attack. “We aint had a quarterback in 40 years quit throwin the dang ball,” is uttered from my section.
With Mark Ingram in the backfield that seems like an astute observation.

Alabama finally picks up a first down. Most stadiums have some sort of chant the entire crowd does, and Bryant-Denny Stadium is no different, however when you hear 92,000 southern accents shout Roll Tide! In unison its pretty damn funny and cool.

Speaking of damn, I get a couple of dirty looks for yelling “Jesus Christ” and then later on “goddamn it” after a couple failed third down conversions.
By the way there are three churches that are directly across the street from the stadium on different street corners.



You know you've gotten old when college bands are playing songs of your childhood; In this case we get basket case by green day before a field goal attempt by South Carolina.
On the whole Alabama gets high marks from me because it has four or five different songs in its rotation, so while they’re catchy they aren’t burned in your brain like that “glory glory to old Georgia” crap.

92,000 people just sang Lynard Skynard in unison, I’m a weeee bit intoxicated, but I do not need my gps to remind me I’m still in Alabama. (Every time I have written or said the word Alabama for the last two days its sounded like Forest when he’s commanding Jenny to come back to Greenbow, AlaBAMA!!!!) Thanks Joe Willie.

It’s halftime, I’m cranky because I can’t get a beer since its an NCAA event, so to the frat kid in the blue blazer who forearmed me in the back five times while trying to walk and text, well I’m sorry I threatened to slit your throat if you bumped me one more time. Wait, no I’m not that felt good, especially since I’m not even remotely a tough guy, but he looked like he’d pissed himself.

The second half starts and the Tide is putting the FOOT in football more punts and field goals on both sides, they should just go to penalty kicks now. It hasn’t even been excellent midfield play.

We get the loudest cheer of the night early in the fourth quarter when its announced that Auburn has lost to Kentucky.

Ingram runs for his only touchdown of the night (I am shocked to learn he rolled up 245 yards rushing, I wasn’t that drunk I don’t think, but if there’s such a thing as a quiet 240 yards of rushing, well until he broke the one that set up the final touchdown he was having said quiet night)

The clock is winding out and the band has started playing the victory song, Rammer Jammer.
If you’ve never heard it go listen, its like a musical victory cigar, rolled into a middle finger. It’s like a football version of the SIEVE chant!
“Hey Gamecocks! We just beat the hell out of you! Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer give em hell Alabama”

Lather, rinse, and repeat the lyrics about five more times. Like I said, it was pretty damn cool.


With the buzz starting to wear off its back to the gas station for more beer while we walk back seemingly to Huntsville where the car is parked. This leads to more drinking and the realization I have only eaten pop tarts and a pretzel today.
We stop at Krystal, a southern burger joint that’s all over the place. While its not chocolate chip pancakes at the South street diner, or even super sized steroid pizza slices from NYP but the Krystal mini burgers were absolutely phenomenal.

It’s about 2am and the day doesn’t really feel like its ended, There’s a gap of about three hours I cant account for, I think I was napping in the car in a motel parking lot (finding a hotel room of any kind on game weekend takes an act of god, plan accordingly). I awaken at about 6am crack open a beer and begin the journey back to Georgia cursing the brightness of the sun.

Overall since I have no personal attachment to a college football team, and I hate the BCS system but as a true sports fan I can appreciate the fanaticism and its easy to get caught up in it. I’m sure if I went to an English Premier League match I’d dive head first into that too. But if you fancy yourself a football fan, and a sports fan in general spending a fall Saturday in SEC college town should be on every fan’s bucket list. I’ve now crossed off football in Tuscaloosa.

ROLL TIDE!?!?!???!?